


Gloomy Sunday

by Ever_Dreamer



Series: Fandom Challenges [4]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, F/M, Gen, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Minor Character Death, Reader-Insert, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-25
Updated: 2018-01-25
Packaged: 2019-03-09 06:32:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13475724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ever_Dreamer/pseuds/Ever_Dreamer
Summary: A/N: Written for @221bshrlocked‘s 5k Celebration Challenge. So my apologies in advance. I’ve been writing too much fluff and I needed a change. So enjoy the angst. Also I tagged my regulars and I can’t remember who wanted SPN only so just ignore this story if that’s the case! And again thank you @noisy–brainfor helping me sort my ideas for this!Prompt: BuckyxReader and ‘I’ll Be Seeing You’ by Billie Holiday





	Gloomy Sunday

Bucky’s eyes shot open as he sat up in his bed. He didn’t remember what he dreamed of. Just that it was something from his past, when he was the winter soldier. He ran a hand through his hair and took a deep breath. What made him jolt awake so suddenly, he wondered. He never woke from the middle of his nightmares unless someone else roused him. Then he heard it, faint jazz music and a woman’s voice. He knew that voice. He used to go dancing with dames and would drag Steve with and her music would be played several times through the night.

_I’ll be seeing you_  
_In all the old familiar places_  
_That this heart of mine embraces_  
_All day and through_  
_In that small cafe_  
_The park across the way_  
_The children’s carousel_  
_The chestnut trees_  
_The wishing well_

Then it dawned on him what song this was and his first thought was of her. The dame he had met a couple of years before he had left for the war. Steve’s best female friend and the one he wanted to marry. He had planned to ask her after the war ended. But he never made it. Even after he fell from the train and into Hydra’s hands, he remembered her. No matter how many times they wiped his brain, a small snippet of a memory would come back and he’d remember her all over again. He would remember the old cafe where he took her for their first date, the park where they first kissed. Even the wishing well, where she threw a penny in and made a wish that they would always find each other.

_I’ll be seeing you_  
_In every lovely summer’s day_  
_In everything that’s light and gay_  
_I’ll always think of you that way_  
_I’ll find you in the morning sun_  
_And when the night is new_  
_I’ll be looking at the moon_  
_But I’ll be seeing you_

Hydra had found her, after his fall from the train and imprisoned her. When they had turned him into the Winter Soldier, a part of him still knew her. Year after year, they would ‘defrost’ her and experiment on her, hoping to find a mutation or some reason that caused him to remember her. After being free from Hydra and Steve helping him regain most of his memories, she was always on his mind. She was still out there, held captive somewhere. He could feel it. She was still alive, but for how long, he wasn’t sure. He needed to find her.

And he did. Two years it took. Hydra base after Hydra base, he and Steve found her in an underground bunker, two hundred miles from where they both had been kept. She was barely breathing, strapped to a metal table, with syringes and IVs left in her body. She had been rushed to the quinjet and then to the medical bay, but she didn’t make it. Whatever Hydra had pumped into her body before being ambushed had killed her. Not to mention that her internal organs had suffered too much damage with being frozen and ‘defrosted’ and experimented on over and over again. They were too late.

_I’ll be seeing you_  
_In every lovely summer’s day_  
_In everything that’s light and gay_  
_I’ll always think of you that way_  
_I’ll find you in the morning sun_  
_And when the night is new_  
_I’ll be looking at the moon_  
_But I’ll be seeing you_

Bucky shook the horrific memories away and pulled himself out of bed, following the calm, soothing voice toward the living room. Steve was sitting on the couch, sipping a mug of tea that he was so fond of. Hearing soft footfalls, Steve turned to the doorway.

“Buck! Hey! I’m sorry, I thought you were asleep. The music didn’t wake you did it?”

Bucky smiled and shook his head. “Nah, punk. I think a nightmare did, but I don’t remember what it was about or anything.” He paused and plopped down on the listened to the woman crooning from the record player. “I know this song though. When I heard it in my room, all I could think about was her.”

Steve set his mug down on the table. “Bucky, it wasn’t your fault.” Steve began, but Bucky interrupted him.

“Yes it was, Steve. I should’ve gotten her out sooner than we did! I should’ve gone back to where they kept me. She would’ve still been there, still alive!” “Bucky wiped a stray tear from his eye, wondering what would’ve happened had he gone back after all his memories had returned.

Steve followed his train of thought, putting his arm around Bucky’s shoulders, comforting him. “Hydra would’ve captured and brainwashed you again, Buck. We’d have lost both of you all over again.” Steve took a deep breath. “We did find her. She didn’t die alone.”

“She still died!” Bucky snapped. “I could’ve prevented that! That’s on me! If we would’ve started looking as soon as all my memories came back, but no. I just sat on my can and did nothing!”

“You weren’t doing ‘nothing’, Bucky! You were re-learning the world! How to function in a futuristic society, in your case, and mine too. You needed to know the world you were living before trying to make your way through it. It would’ve taken you longer to find her if you didn’t.”

Bucky sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “Yeah, I know. It’s just not fair, Steve! She deserved better! She deserved to live a life worth living. Not as a Hydra experiment. She didn’t have to live my life.” Bucky sat in silence for a minute before he gave a scoff. “You know, it’s a year today? A year since we found her? Since we lost her? Since I lost her…” He trailed off and shook his head, trying to rid himself of the thoughts of what she went through. “I’m done, Steve.”

“What do you mean, ‘you’re done’, Bucky? Done with what?” Steve narrowed his eyes at his friend’s words. He didn’t mean that, did he?

“I’m just done. With life, with the world… Everything…”

Steve took a deep breath. “You listen to me. Life is hard, no matter what era. But that’s no reason to give up on all you worked for. You deserve to live a life worth living, James.”

Bucky bit back a sob. “There’s no life worth living without her.”

Steve felt his heart break for the man. He searched his head for something to say, but couldn’t. He was too astonished by what Bucky had said so he just comforted his friend as best as he could. Tomorrow, he would talk to Bruce, hoping the doctor would know someone who could help Bucky.

An hour or so later, Bucky thanked Steve for his support and comfort and headed back to bed. Once in his room, he pulled the blade out from under his pillow, twisting it back and forth, seeing the beams of light shine off the blade. Maybe one day soon, he’d be seeing her again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Steve jolted up in bed, terrified. A feeling in his gut told him something was wrong. Leaving his room, he checked the rooms of his and Bucky’s floor. The kitchen and living room were empty and undisturbed. He checked the bathrooms, which were clear, before making his way to Bucky’s room.

He knocked on the door. “Bucky? You okay, pal?” No answer. Trying the knob, he found it unlocked, slowly opened the door and stepped inside. He stopped in his tracks. “Bucky? Bucky! Oh my God!” Bucky laid in the middle of the room, a knife by his side and blood seeping from his wrist. Steve ran over and pressed a finger to his neck. There was a still a pulse, albeit weak. “James!” Steve yelled, gently slapping Bucky’s face. “Friday!” He yelled, grabbing the nearest cloth he could find before wrapping it around Bucky’s wrist and holding tightly.

“Yes, Captain.” The Irish female voice responded instantly.

“Wake Bruce! Get him down here, stat! Tell him to bring a gurney or something we can lift Bucky with. I can’t lift him by myself. And also something to close this cut with! We gotta stop the bleeding before we can move him.”

“He’s notified, Captain.” Friday replied.

“He needs to hurry! Please!” Steve choked out, holding as tight as he could to Bucky’s wrist to stem the blood flow.

Steve didn’t know how much time had passed before he heard the elevator did and hurried footsteps rush through the flat. “Steve?” He heard Bruce’s voice, confused and nervous, resonate down the hall.

“Bruce! In here!” Steve yelled.

Bruce rushed through the door with a box tucked under his arm. “Oh my God. Steve, what happened?!”

Steve felt the tears streaming down his face. “Bucky tried to kill himself.” Steve started to explain what happened as Bruce stitched up Bucky’s arm, telling him about how Bucky wanted to die, that he didn’t expect him to really go through with it. As soon as Bucky’s wrist was stitched and cleaned, Steve carried him to the gurney that Bruce had left by the elevator. Laying him down, he stared at Bucky’s peaceful sleeping face as Bruce strapped Bucky in. They stepped into the elevator and waited impatiently for it to descend. Once in the medical bay, Bruce wheeled Bucky over to one of the beds before him and Steve shifted him from the gurney to the bed. Bruce started hooking Bucky up to IVs and a bag of O Negative blood. Once Bruce got him stabilized, Steve plopped down in the chair next to his bed.

“Will he be ok?” Steve whispered, holding Bucky’s metal hand.

“Physically, yes.” Bruce answered, running a hand through his hair. “He lost a lot of blood, but nothing a blood transfusion or two won’t fix. He was lucky. Another hour and there would’ve been nothing we could do.” He paused, studying Steve’s devastated face and Bucky’s slumbering one. “Mentally and emotionally, is another story. He has a long way to heal… If he decides he wants to.”

Steve’s head snapped up. “What do you mean, if he wants to?!”

“Well, those who decide to take their own life, if they really mean to go through it, will find any means to do so. If he’s dead set on it, we’d have to confine him somewhere where he has no way to. That’s all we really can do until he wants to fight to live.” Bruce sighed and rubbed his forehead, trying to alleviate the headache that was forming. “Go get some sleep, Steve. He’s ok now.”

“I’m staying here, Bruce. I’ve abandoned him too many times in the past. I won’t do it again.” Steve crossed his arms and sat back in the chair.

Bruce sighed and nodded. “I’ll bring you a cot. Those chairs are uncomfortable to sleep in.”

As soon as Bruce left the room, Steve broke down. Tears streamed down his face as he replayed finding Bucky over and over again. He couldn’t believe he almost lost his best friend. Then the anger seeped in. How dare he give up?! Bucky had always promised him that they were there for each, till the end of the line. And here he was, trying to break that promise. Well, Steve wouldn’t let him. He would be there for him, help him, in any way he could. Till the end of the line.


End file.
